What Happens When Your In Control

Imagine
the ability to determine the outcome of you life
whos to say we dont already poses said power? For everyone of our actions, there is a reaction. Before we say something, there is always more then one thing we can think of, or maybe you wanted to step forward, but instead you took a step back.
Who is to say we dont have a choice? We make a conscious decision, action, followed by the consequences, reaction.
Do you really believe this is true? Or do you believe that fate makes our decisions and our life is pre determined?
Let me ask you something, if you had the choice, would you chose to control every one of your actions, those actions that affect the world and people around us?
Or if something bad happens, for something we did and didnt, wouldn't you like to have something to put the blame on? It was fate.
Sometimes i think fate is an imaginary creation for those who can't stand to take the blame.Only when I think about it,
What if you think about it...

Feelings From Within

Overwhelmed,
when the idea enters my mind, it burns trough my thoughts and consumes my mind,
the fire is to great, and my heart feeds off of it, the heart is a greedy organ. I try to dowse the flame with rational thoughts and why it isnt, but the river of my thoughts is a drought when the flame is burning. First the burn is nice, a happy thoguht, the feeling like you might be worth more for once, your special, you mean more to someone then most. Then the thoughts of you turn sinister, the fire starts searing my body from the inside out. What dont I know? What do you mean? What does that mean? I wish I knew, but even more, I wish you'd tell me.
Then I get mad, why do you make me think so much
I shouldnt even be thinking about this.
Stop Stop STOP.
maybe the reason I cant love is because I dont let myself...
or maybe I just dont know how.

Then I close my eyes and quietly let these questions consume my thoguhts.
My only piece of mind found with this twisted curiosity, I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to shout out to the world but my chest is weak and my throat is blocked. My body aches to ask but somethings are not ment to be said.
What happens when your in control?

Skies may not always be blue

But one things as sure as can be.

Good Day Sunshine

Today is a good day,
lastnight was a good night,
this weekend was a good one.
The highs and lows in this blog are giving me a headache.
It the funniest things how in two days nothing can change, but during the same two days your mood can go from that to this.
Its called perspective. Love. Care. Happiness.
Its these people who make me the happiest. Who I talk to who Im with.
Next year everything will be worked out, and by the year after that nothing will matter anymore excpect those people that I love, my life and my futur.

















:)
I'm so happy happy happy happy right now.
Side note: Thats a little confusing, but it makes me happy all the same.

The Last Of The Lies

I said everything I always thoguht of saying, yet I still dotn feel right.
The way people see it is not the way I see it.
It seems so distorted and upsetting from others point of view,
I'm just backwards is all. The wrong way on the flip side.
The things I think I just can't get them right in my head.
Right when I think I've found someone, it just gets mixed up,
We were talking to a man yesterday, I said, "Well thats not the way I see it,why do these people act like this?" He replied " Because you are not like other people, none of you are, can't you see? I dont know if they could see that either."

"No matter how much you want to just be normal, it makes more sense that you arent.
Embrace it, dont push it away. There so many out there who give an example of just being, no matter how much of an outcast they are."
"How do yo ufind happiness? What goes on in thier heads? What if I could fly? So many questions to be answered all to late. Why so scared? Why do we have these fears? Why does nothing I say make sense?" Thats funny.

What would happen if yo uhad a gun to your head?











Would your life flash before your eyes?
Is there something you wish yo ucould have done or said,that you never did?
Would you get questions ready, just incase they pulles the trigger?
Why do we lie?
Why?
I know as much as I try, I'd think about all the things I never got to do.
No regrets? Who really knows. Maybe I should stop talking.
Whats the use of wondering out loud to yourself when nothing is going to be answered.... do I even want one?

This Is Not Me, But I'm A Different Person Right Now And I Dont Know Why. My Heart Aches.

Before you read this please understand, this is not me, but sometimes these things cross my mind, and I wonder how Im not Bi-polar. I Am Happy, but right now I want to puke. I just dont care anymore:


Sometimes it just gets to be to much, walking around in a haze
praying you dont see anyone at school when you round the corner, yet desperatly reaching out to anyone who will give you the time of day.
Women are targeted 71.8% of the time by Men, Women target woman just as much as men do,
can we ever catch a break.
Im so sick of all this deep-hot-soup (bullshit).
This world is a peice of shit and everyone on earth is only making it worse.
I feel like im going to vomit.
These people.
This world.
The helplessness.
I try to look on the bright side, in other words I mean ignoring it all but you can only avoid the demon for so long, turn a blind eye until you cant blind yourself anymore.
These people this life, it could have all been different. We could be doing something,
someone could have cared more,
we could have stopped all this pai, we could have saved this world but its all to late.
Earth will soon be a tragedy, life as we know it will all be tragic.
Sometimes I think what the use of living, other times I cant get enough out of life,
Im happy im sad, I cant deal with all these emotions,
I worry I dont, I try to hard, I dont try enough.
I think about myself to much, I think about other people.
Why is there so much doubt, carelesness, betrayal.
Why cant we just be ourselves, why cant we accept each other, each person as they are?
Sometimes I wonder if we even see the world in the same way, if my eyes see what your eyes see or if the perception is so off you couldnt tell it was the same world from anothers eyes.
I hate drugs, I hate alcohol. I hate everything that made you numb to me when all you wanted to do was feel me.
I hate families and how they make you feel like shit when you know you can never let them go.
I hate false hopes, and no jugde of character,
I hate all of you who just are the way you are.
Changing, morphing, I cant even tell you apart.
Nothing is right and nothing ever will be but we can always just keep on pretending.

Amuse

And just like that, the world makes a bit more sense.

Just No One

Your love means nothing unless you are loved my somebody.
Your words mean nothing unless they are spoken to you by somebody.
You mean nothing unless you have somebody.


















Sometimes, I can't help but feel lonely.

"and one day" whispered the old man to the young boy, "you will understand"
and with that the boy let go..

Midnight In The Field

My feet reach the field at the same time his paws do and we both take off.
Faster then I ever thought possible we run together
I let Midnight off the leash, and unleash the wind.
By the time I look up he is gone and then he is there again.
We run through tall grass and hide behind trees, all is right.
He is free and so am I. I look up and it starts to fall.
The little bits of snow fall on my tounge like candy, and they stick in his fur like little pieces of styrifoam. It is the most beautiful snow fall I have ever been in. Words escape me, so we run. Run and run and run until we cant run anymore, so we walk.We walk and we walk and we walk, till we pass the woman racking her leaves,
now bundleded up twice as much as before. Past the chinese man living in the chinese house, and back to where we began, at peace yet still not peacefull.And we lay as we have lain since the beggining of time.

Strength

1.Moving forward
2.Swimming in the water after you get shot
3.Acceptance
4.Believing in yourself
5.Doing something that scares you more than anything
6.Being yourself
7.Loyalty
8.Not being afraid to stand up for what you beilive in
9.Doing what you like
10.Doing things alone, taking a chance, being independant

Banana Pancakes

I made this blog because I thought it might help get out my ideas, maybe even more so fill a void that I just cant seem to fill (not that I'm unhappy really, just looking for something.) Say what I want on here but it just gets me thinking how many people are writing exactly what I am writing, or writing about what I am writing about like this right now. How do you make a blog unique? How do you make it your own, how do you make anything your own. I guess this blog is ment to give me an identity. Or maybe the chance to create one. Hopefully. Nobody knows who they are this second really, some people are really good at pretending, but really they just don't know.
I know there are somethings I love about myself, other things I can improve on and some aspects I want to put into my life and in myself that dont exsist there yet. In the big picture though I, just as every one else, am trying to identify myself in this world, make myself worth something, and do something great.

Folk Fest.

The Last Sight You'll Ever See Is A Pair Of Hatefull Eyes

There is no way to describe my love for music other then
I just love it.
Plain and simple.

The Day I Went To Curch

Last sunday I went to church for the first time in a few years and it kind of opened my eyes. It helped me in a way because lately I have been thinking of many things all at once, the bad and the good and the things we could change in the world. Overwhelming. The topic that this curch chose to dicuss was greed. Just one topic to think about. One membebr of the curch chose to discuss this and relate it to passages of the bible. "There is more happiness in giving then in recieving" and that the more you have should make the more you give that much more. In the generation we live in today people have ridicoulous amounts more then people in the past yet this generation gives the least out of any previous generations. This really made me think. This generation is filled with so much more bad then good in my opinion. Greed consumes so many people these days, and it is hard to come across a kind hearted generous person. We might not notice it but it is in little acts that we make the biggest ones. Sharing, giving, and even contributing are said today as unimportant or not worth it, whats in it for you right? I beleive it is in this mind set this is one of the ways we are slowly detroying the good in the world. Without giving and recieving, there will be nothing at all. There was a time when poverty had fallen upon one city in the world, even with this grief upon them they took into account to make sure they were contributing to there comunity and giving the necesairy amout to the people less fourtunate knowing that someday they will recieve something in return. Now we won't even so much as glance at a beggar on the street, someone we know is so much worse off then we are. The extremities in the day and time we live in repulse me. Even my living repulses me sometimes. Who am I to say I am unhappy with what I have when I have a house to live in, an amazing family that loves me and cares for me and watches out for me, and opourtunities that excede my wildest dreams. I may not have unlimited amounts of money, but I have everything I need and more to survive and there are people out there who have to spend a whole day trying to find the next place they will chose to sleep, or where there next meal will come from. Haha, here I go again, overwhleming myself. Okay so heres the deal, I beleive that I can make a difference in this world, now I know that people always try to convince other people to to the same but in the long run you can only get so far. People as individuals must be driven and willing to give and not always expect something in return, and I beleive it is a good habit to get into. What goes around comes around. I know I can not force you to do antyhing but I know the next time I can helo someone, or give someone something they need, I will try with my best ability to do so.

"One time, I was volenteering at Silome mission around chirstmas time, as we went along seeing the same homeless man after homeless man pass me in line, the line stops and there is a break in the order.
All of a sudden this man with rosey red cheeks and a navy blue touque pops out from behind the wall, one of the happiest smiles on his face that ive ever seen on a face and he starts singing to us.
A french melody and we can do nothing but smile, and hand him his food before he goes and sits down, speading his joy to anyone who will willingly recieve it.
He gave all he has to us."

"After everyone that day had been served, one aboriginal lady came up to the counter,
now the people constisting of our kitchen staff were about ten students from our school, some kind twenty some year olds and the old ladies of the kitchen staff.
All different ages and people, came together for one cause, to give to others.
Anyways, she came up to us and said: excuse me, I am really very hungry can I have some more food? Please? I really am hungry.
Although we all have different hearts, I could feel everybody's breaking in that moment, when you are running this kind of orginization, you are not allowed to give more to one person then another, seconds are prohibited, ones ticket per person, one meal per person.
the reason we had come out to do this and we could not meet the needs of others who could not meet thier own, having to say no to that lady was one of the most aweful feeling I have ever felt, as I looked around, I saw the mirrored reflection on defeat and pity in other peoples faces as in my own, and together we looked into each others eyes, and our heads sunk in shame.."

This Time Of Night

Can't wait to play in the snow tommorrow.